When Melman the Giraffe had a Party

Having two kids, I have watched my share of animated movies. I have to say, the carefree, happy-go-lucky, hilarious minions from Despicable Me and Despicable Me 2 are my current favorite characters! It's not that I identify with them in any way. I just love how they make me laugh!

But, you know how they say life imitates art? Well mine sure does. And I've found myself identifying with more than one of these cartoon characters in the past. Maybe you have too.

A few examples.
Melman (Madagascar)
Melman the Giraffe: Zoo transfer? Oh, no. No, no. I can't be transferred. I have an appointment with Dr. Goldberg at five. There are prescriptions that have to be filled! No other zoo can afford my medical care! And I am not going HMO!
Marty the Zebra: Take it easy, Melman. We are gonna be o-kizzay.

Alex the Lion: Come on! Melman, Melman, Melman! Melman, Melman, Melman! Wake up! Rise and shine! It's another fabulous day in the Big Apple. Let's go.
Melman the Giraffe: Not for me. I'm calling in sick.
Alex the Lion: What?
Melman the Giraffe: I found a bro... another brown spot on my shoulder, right here. See? Right th... right there. You see?


In the Hundred Acre Wood (Eeyore and Piglet)
Eeyore:  End of the road. Nothing to do, and no hope of things getting better.

Eeyore: There are those who will wish you good morning. If it is a good morning, which I doubt

Piglet: It is very hard to be brave when you're only a Very Small Animal.

Chicken Little
Chicken Little: The sky is falling! The sky is falling!


A Common Obsession
You may be wondering where I am going with this. These characters all had something in common: obsession. They were all obsessed with whatever trial or doubt they were plagued with. Melman was obsessed with illness. Eeyore was obsessed with being sad. Piglet was obsessed with being tiny and afraid. Chicken Little was obsessed with the sky falling and the end of the world as he knew it. They experienced fear, doubt, anxiety, trials. For as long as I can remember, I have been able to identify with at least one of these characters. We all can at some point or another.

Our Christian faith tells us in times of trial or doubt we need to pray. In fact, St. Paul tells us to "pray without ceasing." (1 Thess 5:17). So when I'm being a giraffe or a piglet or a hybrid of some sort, I try to up my prayer time, asking God to grant my prayer intentions, whatever they may be. 

Melman Had a Party
When I got sick, I turned into Melman. Like this poor giraffe, I obsessed on everything illness. Medicine, doctor's appointments, new symptoms, diagnoses, etc. Thankfully, I knew that the only way to keep my inner Melman in check was to pray. So I got down on my knobby giraffe knees and prayed. A lot. Maybe too much.


Definitely too much.

And here's what happened. Eeyore joined the party. I got sad. I was tired and blue and felt like nothing would ever go my way. I was now obsessing over that too. So I prayed about it. I asked God to make me better and to make me happy. I prayed all the time. Even when I wasn't "praying," I was still thinking and quietly pleading with God. The obsession grew. It got big. Really big. And it made me feel small. Really small.

Along came Piglet. So now I felt like this tiny little person in a situation that was way bigger than me. It was all consuming. And the fact that I felt so small and the situation felt so big made me feel even worse. So I prayed even more. And I obsessed even more. And now I was a sick, sad, scared mess.

It had turned into a catastrophe. The sky was falling.

Hello Chicken Little. 

I had become some hybrid giraffe-donkey-piglet-chicken animal! (Does God even make those?)


Stop the Insanity!

Remember her? That's Susan Powter, the personal trainer who shot to fame in the 90's with her weight loss program. She would always shout "Stop the Insanity!" during her infomercials.

Well that's how I felt. I was spiraling and couldn't figure out why. I was doing everything I could. I was praying without ceasing, just like St. Paul said to do. Why wasn't I at peace? Why was I doubting? Why was my faith not carrying me along?
 

Party Crasher
Some people will say that there is no such thing as praying too much. "Pray without ceasing," remember?

That's what I was doing...praying without ceasing. I was praying constantly, asking God over and over and over again for healing in so many different areas. But as a result of asking so often, I was thinking about it all the time. I was obsessing. It had taken over all my thoughts and actions. It had consumed me. I was discussing this with my spiritual director one day when she said, "you are praying too much."

I was dumbfounded. How is that possible? Aren't I supposed to be praying? She had just crashed my party.

She told me yes, that I am supposed to pray, but enough is enough! I was no longer praying as Jesus taught us. I was doubting, nagging. I was praying without belief. If I believed that God was going to take care of me, then why was I constantly bringing the same petitions before him all day long? 

So I was "praying without ceasing" but I was doing it wrong.

This verse from Thessalonians is well known, remembered and repeated. But there are some other verses that we know but don't repeat quite as often. 

"In praying, do not babble like the pagans, who think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them. Your Father knows what you need before you ask him." Matt. 6:7-8 (And then Jesus goes on to give us The Lord's Prayer")

"Have faith in God. Amen, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be lifted up and thrown into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it shall be done for him. Therefore I tell you, all that you ask for in prayer, believe that you will receive it and it shall be yours." Mark 11:22-24

"And I tell you, ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. What father among you would hand his son a snake when he asks for a fish? Or hand him a scorpion when he asks for an egg? If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the Father in heaven give the holy Spirit to those who ask him?" Luke 11:5-8 

"Be still* and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10 (The words "be still" are also translated to "Cease striving" and "Let go, relax.")

According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church (2565), "In the New Covenant, prayer is the living relationship of the children of God with their Father who is good beyond measure, with his Son Jesus Christ and with the Holy Spirit. The grace of the Kingdom is "the union of the entire holy and royal Trinity . . . with the whole human spirit." Thus, the life of prayer is the habit of being in the presence of the thrice-holy God and in communion with him. This communion of life is always possible because, through Baptism, we have already been united with Christ. Prayer is Christian insofar as it is communion with Christ and extends throughout the Church, which is his Body. Its dimensions are those of Christ's love."


So What Does it Mean?
God does not want us to babble incessantly, asking him over and over to answer our prayers. But he does want us to pray always. However, prayer does not always mean asking him to DO something. He wants us to pray without ceasing by LIVING IN HIM AT ALL TIMES. He wants us to pray without ceasing by PRAISING HIM THROUGH OUR TRIALS. He wants us to pray without ceasing by CASTING OUR DOUBTS ASIDE AND TRUSTING IN HIS WILL.  He wants us to pray without ceasing by THANKING HIM FOR HIS BLESSINGS. 

It's like parenting. When our kids ask us over and over and over for something, it is nagging. We know when they should have that extra serving of ice cream or if they should go to that party. We expect them to love us and trust us and obey us at all times. So if God is our father, how is prayer any different? We make our needs known to him and then try to trust that he is taking care of them in his way and his time, all the while remembering that he is living in our hearts. Then we pray without ceasing by developing an intimate relationship with him and living in communion with him. 

Once I changed my way of praying, the party started to break up. It took some time, but one by one, my guests left. Every once in a while one tries to come back. I might host him for a little while, but then I send him back to where he came from by praying the way the Bible teaches us to, with belief and trust that God is in control. Thy will be done.


PRAYER FOR TODAY:
Heavenly Father, you know the intentions that lie in my heart. Help me to trust that you are already at work in those areas of my life. Strengthen my belief in your power and my trust in your will, so that my prayer will allow me to simply rest in you. I want nothing more than an intimate relationship with you. Today I will focus on praying simply as your Son taught us:
Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done,
on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day, our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Amen

Walking Assisted

Assistive Devices
One of the hardest things for me to accept in my illness is that sometimes I can't get around on my own. I've needed a cane, a walker, and at times, a wheelchair, because my legs just won't cooperate. Even now, when I'm going through a time of pretty good walking ability, I judge how well I'll be able to handle an outing or event by the amount and type of walking I'll have to do. Will I have to walk a long distance? Is the surface flat? Is it hot outside, because that makes my legs tingle? Will I have to be on my feet all day? If I am going to have a rough "walking" day, will I have a couple of days to rest after? Will I be with someone who can help me if my legs stop cooperating? Those are all questions that come to mind almost every time I leave the house for an outing.

Today, as I read my morning devotionals a theme seemed to surface. The theme, in a nutshell, is this:

 "The path to Christ and eternal life is often long, winding, and narrow. It can be rocky and treacherous. We have no way of knowing what lies around the next curve."

So my first thought was: I need my cane!

But here's the kicker...(theme in a nutshell, part 2):

"We are not to rely on any worldly things to help us walk this path."

Great. No assistive devices.

The Apostles didn't have transportation!
In today's Gospel (Matthew 10:7-15), Jesus gave his apostles a pretty big task of going town to town and curing the sick, cleansing the lepers, raising the dead and driving out demons. That sounds like a lot of walking. And Jesus tells them that they aren't to take any provisions from the people they visit:

"Do not take gold or silver or copper for your belts; no sack for the journey, or a second tunic, or sandals, or walking stick." 

If you backtrack a few chapters in the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus gives us a litany of instructions on how to live. It's all right there in black and white. He tells us about God and money, warns us about judging others, teaches us to pray and gives us the Lord's Prayer, and even explains the Golden Rule. And after he does all that, he tells us about this difficult path we are to expect.

"Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the road broad that leads to destruction, and those who enter through it are many. How narrow the gate and constricted the road that leads to life. And those who find it are few." (Matthew 7:13-14). 

So Jesus explained all we needed to know to live IN him, and then he gives us this warning that it won't be easy, but will be worth it.

Walking Assisted
They say that God's word speaks to each person in a different way. I truly believe that. Because if you read the same devotionals and readings as me this morning, you may have gotten a different message. But God's message to me was loud and clear. I am supposed embrace all of my difficulties, my sufferings, my physical pain, my mental and emotional stress, my worry and anxiety. This is my long, winding, narrow path! I am not to rely on "people, possessions or status" to get me down this road. (Jesus Calling, July 11).

Now don't take me the wrong way. I know that I need some of those things in truth. God has given me the gifts of loving, supportive, beautiful people in my life to help me on my journey. And let's be honest, we all need some "things" to help us from day to day. But we are to prefer NONE of these to God. Easier said than done, I know. That is part of the long, winding, narrow path! But by doing all that we can to call on Him to be our guide, our refuge, our strength, our support, He will eventually straighten and widen the path and it will lead right to the pearly gates. So HE is our assistive device.

We can learn how to walk this path by looking at the lives of the saints. In speaking of St. Benedict, Fr. Aelred of Rievaulx (+1167) said:
"But our blessed Father Benedict did not follow this way (the way of sinners). He did not lead a degenerate life but held fast to [the way] of which it is said: The way of the just is straight. Although narrow, it leads to life. The way is narrow at the beginning but afterwards, as blessed Benedict himself teaches us in his Rule, one runs in the way of God's commandments in the unutterable sweetness of love. For those who are beginning, [the way] is indeed narrow, as it was for David when he said: Because of the words of your mouth I have followed harsh ways. But did this prophet, because he found it narrow in the beginning, either abandon or decide that he should abandon it? God forbid! Rather, he held fast until he could make this very different statement. I have run in the way of your commandments because you have enlarged my heart." (Magnificat, 7/11/13)



PRAYER FOR TODAY:
Lord, we know the path to you and to eternal life is often long, winding, and narrow. It can be rocky and treacherous. We have no way of knowing what lies around the next curve. But you know. You are already there. Please help us to rely on your divine assistance as we walk this path. Help us to be grateful for the journey you have set for us. Give us patience, courage and strength as we try to resist the temptation of relying on things of this world. Please forgive us when we stumble and remind us that you are there, ready to provide assistance on our walk. Enlarge my heart that I may be ready to receive all your blessings. Amen.

Who's Got Your Card?

Bataille
When I was a little kid, I would sit with my Maw Maw for hours on end playing "Battle" with a deck of cards. It is one of my many fond memories of time with my maw. Two cards at a time. One wins, one loses. The winner gets both cards. When there is a tie, four more cards decide the players' fate...it's like calling in the cavalry. And this goes on until one player has won the entire deck. Maw Maw was a serious "Bataille" player (of course, she always said it in French). If something came up to interrupt our game, we would put our stacks on the side and start up again as soon as we had the chance. A Battle was never abandoned!

I thought about these games this morning after reading my daily devotionals. One in particular, the meditation of the day in Magnificat, really spoke to me and led me to my computer to write (even before fixing my coffee! Yikes!) It begins by saying the devil makes us think our prayer is not "good enough" for God. It goes on to say:

 "The devil does this so that we'll give up the physical and spiritual practice of holy prayer, both vocal and mental. Why Because once we have lost the weapon with which God's servants defend themselves against the blows of the devil, the flesh, and the world, he would have what he wants from us. Then the city of our soul would be surrendered to him and he would enter it as lord. That's the only way it can go once we have lost the weapon and the power of prayer." (St. Catherine of Siena)

The devil is playing a simple game of "Bataille", winning some souls, losing some souls, all the while fighting to gain all the souls in the deck. He does this especially in our moments of weakness...those moments when we aren't sure where we are in our spiritual life.

Let Your Sufferings be your Armor
When you are in the midst of a trial is when the devil will try to make his presence known. He will tempt you, just as he did Jesus! (Matthew 4:1-11)  It has surely  happened to me.

Part of my illness has required lots of needles. Infusions, injections, dry needling and Botox treatments for muscle spasms. Needless to say, these are incredibly uncomfortable at best and torturous at worst. A very dear friend of mine would always say "you're a soldier!" My response was always "No way. Not me!" In my mind, I have always been too weak to be a soldier. But you know what, I AM A SOLDIER! AND YOU ARE TOO!

We all have our fair share of trials and sufferings. Some of them are physical. Others are emotional, mental, or circumstantial. Some of them are obvious and public, while others are kept quiet and private. But the truth is this: NO ONE has a perfect life. Everyone will have a trial and suffer in some way at some point. And this is when the devil tries to swoop in and put their card in his stack. So let those sufferings be your armor! By simply being aware of your vulnerability, you can build your armor and make it impenetrable by doing one very simple thing... PRAYING.

"Prayer in turn gives us the weapons of true humility and blazing charity, because holy prayer gives us perfect knowledge of ourselves and our own weakness and of God's infinite charity and goodness. And we come to know both ourselves and God better in times of struggle and when our spirit is all dried up. We learn more perfect humility and conscientiousness from these [experiences]." (St. Catherine of Siena in today's Magnificat Meditation)


St. Michael's Army
When I was in 8th grade, I won the "Religion Award" at the end of the year. I didn't get a plaque or a medal like all the other awards. I got a statue of St. Michael. I thought it was beautiful, and I always kept it on a shelf someplace, but it never held any significance to me other than it having been a very special award. Until I started my battle. Then I saw first hand how easily the devil can sway our spirit without us even realizing it. Now, St. Michael sits on my mantle, right next to the Our Lady of the Streets (my favorite image of Mary), reminding me that we are always in St. Michael's army.

Just last week, the Vatican was consecrated to St. Michael and the Pope called for us all to pray for his protection. Let us all remember that we are in battle for our souls and our families all the time. Pray to St. Michael and ask for his assistance.

Be steadfast like my Maw Maw and NEVER stop your game of Battle. Just remember that God is dealing the cards. Make sure YOUR card ends up in God's stack!

PRAYER FOR TODAY: PRAYER TO ST. MICHAEL
St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do thou, O' Prince of the Heavenly Host, by the power of Almighty God, cast into hell Satan and all his evil spirits, who wander the earth seeking the ruin of souls. Amen

So You Had a Bad Day?

"Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong....


Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around..."
(Lyrics Bad Day by Daniel Powter)

La, la, la, la....
Pardon my singing, but it is stuck in my head this morning. Yep, you guessed it. I had a bad day. In fact, the last few days have been rough. Pain, fatigue, muscle spasms, vision problems...typical issues for a person with MS when the disease is making itself known. Needless to say, I've been somewhat grouchy. (Sorry!) What is in the back of my mind is I have one month until school starts, my house is a mess, and we are going on vacation soon. Too much to do to be down and out!

There isn't much I can do on days like this except for rest. So that's what I've been doing. I've watched movies with my family. I've napped. And I've tried to squeeze in a little laundry and dishes here and there. But there is one other thing I did much more than usual over these last two days...

I prayed.

Sometimes I think God gives us these hiccups in our plans just when he thinks we need them so we have to stop and pray. It doesn't have to be organized, ritualistic prayer. A simple conversation will do. When I'm simply having a day where nothing goes right, I find a mantra that I can repeat over and over as a prayer.

"Jesus, I trust in you" -- St. Faustina, The Divine Mercy; Psalm 56:3

"His strength is made perfect in my weakness" -- 2 Corinthians 12:9

"Jesus, I know you're here." -- James 4:8, Isaiah 41:10

"Jesus, please help me." -- Psalms 50:15

Other days, it takes much more for me to truly place my cares in the Lord's hands. Daily mass. The Bible. Eucharistic Adoration. Christian music. Yesterday, it was my Rosary, where I offered each decade for special intentions while meditating on the Sorrowful Mysteries. (I never can remember which mysteries go with which days. But for some reason, the Sorrowful Mysteries are so powerful for me when uniting my suffering with Christ's and his mother's.)

Prayer makes these trials manageable. It brings a sense of peace that nothing other than the Holy Spirit can provide. It is a true calm in the midst of a storm.

But what happens when we are in the midst of a trial, be it large or small, and we DON'T pray? Well, I don't know what happens to you, but I can tell you what happens to me. The problem always gets much, much bigger than it actually is and I turn into a crazy woman! My thoughts (and comments) get irrational, the molehill becomes a mountain, and I could just change my name to Chicken Little. It's not pretty, but it happens. It happens all too often. I have to do better. Thankfully, our God is patient!

So even though I woke up this morning not really feeling any different than I did yesterday, I am still trying to be thankful.  I know that I will spend extra time in prayer today. So God, THANK YOU for these rough days because they bring me closer to you! (And yes, Daniel Powter, I AM that strong!)

PRAYER FOR TODAY:
Heavenly Father, we all have our own trials in this earthly life. Help us to remember that it is in these sufferings, trials, uncertainties and anxieties that we can most easily find you, waiting with open arms to comfort us. Give us the presence of mind to recognize that these things are meant to draw us closer to you by uniting our suffering with your Son's. Each time we cast our cares upon you, we strengthen our faith. Thank you for the gift of trials and for the strength you give to us when we are weak. Please nudge our hearts and minds when we separate ourselves from you, and unite our will with yours. We bring you this prayer through your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

I do it MYSELF!

 

Image from "I Can Do It Myself" by Mary Gustafson and illustrated by Dana Regan

If this last year has taught me one thing, it is that I am hard headed. No big surprise there. I tend to think I am able to do things my way, no matter what doctors, family, friends, therapists, or even the Good Lord says. So as I began reflecting on this, I turned, as I often do, to the Catechism of the Catholic Church. Thumbing through the index I found lots of topics such as:

"Man, right to a good reputation;"

and "Man, whole of man willed by God."

But nowhere did I find:

"Man, hard-headedness leading to toddler-like behavior."

I do it myself!
If you read my last post, you know that over the last year, I unconsciously decided I had the strength to take a break from spiritual discovery. I emerged from a rough medical crisis with my faith stronger than ever, and let that momentum carry me for a year. Only the momentum started to fade and I couldn't figure out why. Something was missing. But what? I was feeling better than I had in four years. My kids were healthy. My marriage was wonderful. I was managing my illness with my work and my family life better than I had been in the past. I was going to Mass on the weekend and sometimes during the week. I was saying my daily prayers. And I faced every problem that came my way head-on and with better confidence than I had in my life. I was doing it! I was doing it myself! But there was a void. That didn't make sense.

Wait a minute. I was doing it MYSELF. Uh oh.

Any parent out there can relate. Our children, in their infinite hard-headedness, decide that they can do things for themselves, even against our better judgment. A child's unsteady hand pouring from a milk jug = milk all over the floor. An attempt at dressing oneself = a fashion disaster. A gracious offer of helping fold the laundry = you folding it all over again. The first try on a two wheel bike = scraped knees. But in order to allow our children to learn, we stand by and watch them try, even when we know they will probably fail. They spill the milk and we clean it. They mismatch their clothes and we let them express their independence. They crumple the towels and we secretly fix them as we put them in the closet. They hit the pavement and we wipe the tears and kiss the bo-bos. One day they will learn. (We hope.)

God is the same way. He lets us make our own choices after providing us with the necessary tools for our guidance. If we mess up, He offers us a hand in cleaning it. He gives us guidance on how to make our life "match" again. He helps us straighten the creases. He wipes the tears and kisses the bo-bos. He hopes we learn from our attempted self-sufficiency.

It's not that I wasn't loving God, or praying to God, or talking to God, or living my Catholic Christian values. I simply wasn't living IN God. I wasn't relying fully ON God. HE was the void.

Free Will
"When God, in the beginning, created man, he made him subject to his own free choice...Immense is the wisdom of the Lord; he is mighty in power, and all-seeing. The eyes of God see all he has made; he understands man's every deed." Sir 15:14, 18-19

We all take steps away from our Father, confident in His preparation, sure that we can go it alone. We let go of His hand, and He watches from a distance.

Today, may we all assess where we are in our walk with Christ.  What are you trying to do alone? Make a decision? Handle your anxiety? Embrace the unknown? Or are you just trying to get through day by day without truly relying completely on Him? I think in just the last week I have found myself in all of those places!

So for me, it is time to once again firmly grasp His hand. It sure is nice to take comfort in the fact that no matter what, it is always outstretched, waiting to be taken.

Heavenly Father, like a child, I often let my stubbornness get in the way of true faith. Like a parent, you always forgive me, loving me beyond all my faults. Please continue to tug at my heart, reminding me when I need to reach for you. Give me the humility to admit that I cannot do this alone, and the courage to hold close to you no matter the circumstances. Amen.

REintroducing "Raindrops to Renewal"

"If by sharing my experiences with Christ, even one other person may find hope in a time of chaos, faith in a time of doubt, or strength in a time of weakness, the ministry will have been worth it."

A whole 18 months. That's how long it has been since I've blogged. And what an 18 months it has been, filled with some of the biggest changes of my life. You would think this would be the time I would turn to my writing, my escape, sharing what I've learned throughout this journey. Well...you know how that goes. Better late than never, right?

When the "Great MS Relapse of 2012" hit last March, things went all topsy turvy. New reality entered our life. Wheelchair. Inpatient rehab. Making sure home was "handicap friendly". Total dependence. You would think I was a mental and spiritual mess, but I wasn't. I was fantastic! I had been preparing for total consecration to our Blessed Mother in the month leading up to my relapse, and actually made my consecration in the hospital. Prayer was the center of my life. I was filled with the Holy Spirit and was walking the walk with Christ. (Well, technically I was rolling and then hobbling, but you get the picture.) My faith was carrying me. It was beautiful!

The rehab and recovery continued throughout the summer, and by the time all was said and done I was walking unassisted. I was happy and relatively healthy. I had made it through! Christ had truly carried me! I was stronger than I had ever been spiritually and mentally.

I made the decision to begin working part time because the uncertainty of my relapses made it hard for me to commit to the classroom. As a college instructor, I felt strongly about being present for my students in class and hated that my classes fell to others to finish in the Spring. The university graciously allowed me to continue my work advising student journalists and I accepted the cut in pay. It would be tough, but we would manage.

As the fall semester began, I told myself I would use my newfound "free time" to grow even deeper in my faith. I would go to daily mass. Attend Eucharistic adoration. Revisit this blog which I had neglected during my relapse and recovery. But, like many well-intentioned Christians, I fizzled. I was enjoying my strength and energy that I had gained from my new MS treatment. I found myself not feeling like I "needed" the extra prayer time. I still had my regular prayer relationship with God, but I did not dive deeper, instead allowing things to be as they were. I was kind of like a child who says "I do it myself!!!" (That may be my next post!)

Almost a year has gone by and it has had its ups and downs. Thankfully. most of the year has been filled with ups! But as I sit here reflecting on the 18 months past, I know that God was allowing me to try hard to do it on my own. I needed to feel "independent" after having a time of such dependence. Over the last 3 months or so, I have felt like something was missing. Sure, life has had its changes...the kids need me less yet more at the same time. Relationships have changed. Students and co-workers dear to me have come and gone. I left the classroom and new finances have become a reality. I started a very new MS treatment journey. My spiritual directors, one by one, moved to Florida. It has been a crazy year, so feeling like something was missing seems understandable. So I decided to regroup. And what was the first thing I realized? I CAN'T do it myself. What was missing was that deep, intimate relationship with God. I know He was there all the time, and I never stopped loving Him or talking to Him. But I stopped relying on Him. I needed to go back.

After speaking with a friend, I was encouraged to start my blog again. I had stopped partly because of life and partly because of my own insecurity that what I had to say wouldn't be of relevance to anyone. But then I realized that it is of relevance to ME. Blogging is therapeutic for me. Writing has always been my escape.  And it brings me closer to my Savior. If by sharing my experiences with Christ, even one other person may find hope in a time of chaos, faith in a time of doubt, or strength in a time of weakness, the ministry will have been worth it. So today, I reintroduce to you "Raindrops to Renewal," a blog that will provide devotional insight based on God's word. It is centered on finding your faith in the midst of life's storms. Maybe one day I will write daily devotionals, but for now I am aiming at a couple of times a week.

PS: The regular blog posts/devotionals will not be lengthy or self-focused like this. This particular post was just an explanation of why I've been absent and what pushed me to start again.

Did You Read the Fine Print?

"In sickness and in health..."

Did you read the fine print in that contract? There must have been something else in those marriage vows that said we wouldn't have to deal with this particular clause just yet. After all, the sickness part is supposed to come when you're old and gray and cripple and incontinent. Not when you're young and still brunette and coincidentally limping and, well, incontinent. Too much information? Sorry. But it's the truth.

But those words that we spoke in our wedding vows in 1998 hold more meaning these days than ever before. Who knew Tony and I would experience "in sickness" so soon? That is something I've resented for quite some time now, but thankfully, he hasn't. He has always had the attitude that God gave us this struggle for a reason and, thankfully, God also gave us the people and resources in our lives to be able to deal with such a struggle. Financial security, flexible jobs, good work support, loving and helpful family and friends, excellent health insurance, knowledgeable doctors...we've got all of those. And we have God to thank. But still, I keep praying for health. For healing. It's what I want...and it's what I probably won't get. I keep searching for methods of acceptance and I'm getting there slowly but surely. But if you know me, you know I'm impatient.

So imagine my surprise when I was instructed to meditate upon the following paragraph for an Ignatian Bible Study that I'm part of with a group called Mary's Moms at church:
"...Acting accordingly, for our part, we should not prefer health to sickness, riches to poverty, honor to dishonor, a long life to a short one, and so in all things we should desire and choose only those things which will best help us attain the end for which we are created."

In my journal, I wrote one word...

WHAT???

I was baffled. Dumbfounded. At a loss for words. And I'm rarely at a loss for words. I was downright upset. How is this so? I should NOT prefer health to sickness? So I should want to be sick? That's not right. That can't be right. I've been praying for health. Everyone around me has been praying for me to feel better. I just want my life back! My old life! My old normal! Why shouldn't I? I would be crazy not to prefer health to sickness, my old life to my new one. How can this be?

I was so bent out of shape after reading this I almost had to stop and take a Xanax. But then I thought about my most recent meditation on Mary, which is what I was planning to blog about today, and I realized that she couldn't pop a Xanax every time Jesus stressed her out so I wouldn't either. Meditate, not medicate, I guess. So I took a deep breath.

What are you trying to say, God? I went back in my prayer journal and did some reading. A few pages before I had written something about LISTENING and BEING STILL.

"The Lord himself will fight for you, you have only to keep still." Ex 14:4
"The Lord came and revealed His presence, calling out as before, 'Samuel, Samuel!' Samuel answered, 'Speak, for your servant is listening'." Sam 3:10
"My thoughts are not your thoughts; nor or your ways my ways. As high as the heavens are above the Earth, so high are my ways above your ways and my thoughts above your thoughts." Is 55:8-9

I was doing my usual...over-thinking it. I wasn't listening. I was trying to draw my own conclusions.

When I stopped to LISTEN, here is what I heard. I wrote this in my journal.

No one wants to be sick. We don't want to live in poverty or dishonor. We all want to live long lives with our families. So why should we not prefer health, riches, honor? St. Ignatius is referring partially to our WILL and SURRENDER. We should simply prefer whatever God wills for us because what He wills for us is what will bring us closer to Him. He loves us. He chose us. He made us. He will look with favor upon us. He will have mercy on us. Perhaps this is in the same vein as giving us struggles to bring us closer to Him. Not that we WANT struggles, and not that God WANTS us to experience pain of any kind, but that our acceptance of our struggles are a way of uniting us with Christ's passion on the cross. By seizing this opportunity to bring us closer to God, we are helping to ensure our own salvation. It is a gift. We must pray that we learn to use our sufferings (sickness, poverty, etc) to bring us closer to God, to help us SURRENDER.

Now, to be fair, the paragraph I freaked out over was part of a larger Ignatian Principle and Foundation, and we were instructed to meditate on it both in pieces and in its entirety. Once I did the final meditation on it in its entirety, along with the corresponding scripture verses, it all began to make perfect sense. Here is the entire Ignatian principle as it was presented to us:

"Man is created to praise, reverence, and serve God our Lord, and by this means to save his soul. All other things on the face of the earth are created for man to help him fulfill the end for which he is created. From this it follows that man is to use these things to the extent that they will help him to attain his end. Likewise, he must rid himself of them in so far as they prevent him from attaining it.

Therefore we must make ourselves indifferent to all created things, in so far as it is left to the choice of our free will and is not forbidden. Acting accordingly, for our part, we should not prefer health to sickness, riches to poverty, honor to dishonor, a long life to a short one, and so in all things we should desire and choose only those things which will best help us attain the end for which we are created."

Moving on to Psalm 63 "When I think of you upon my bed, through the night watches I will recall that you indeed are my help, and in the shadow of your wings I shout for joy. My soul clings fast to you; your right hand upholds me!"

And Isaiah 55:1-3
"All you who are thirsty, come to the water!
You who have no money,
come receive grain and eat;
Come, without paying and without cost,
drink wine and milk!
Why spend your money for what is not bread;
your wages for what fails to satisfy?
Heed me, and you shall eat well,
you shall delight in rich fare.
Come to me heedfully,
listen that you may have life.
I will renew with you the everlasting covenant,
the benefits assured to David."

And now Oprah enters the scene because I had an AHA! moment! It all makes sense now!!!
It doesn't matter what we ask for...HE provides what WE need! Why? Because He loves us. He knows us. He wants ONLY what is best for us. Even suffering, illness, poverty, is an act of love, a blessing, because it is an opportunity to bring us closer to Him! It all makes sense. If we suffer a loss....in my case, a loss of health and the life we knew, it is for a reason. Tony and I may not understand it, but one day it will make perfect sense. Our ultimate goal in our earthly life is to get to a heavenly life. So maybe the path we were on was not going to get us there. Maybe this suffering was for a reason. Maybe letting go of our old life was a blessing, a form of surrender. We just have to listen and be willing to do what He asks. Tony has been doing that all along...now I need to.

So what do we do now?  We pray.  How do we pray?

We "Lay 'Em Down." I hope you do too.

(Enjoy this song...one of my favorites. "Lay 'Em Down" by NeedToBreathe)