I do it MYSELF!

 

Image from "I Can Do It Myself" by Mary Gustafson and illustrated by Dana Regan

If this last year has taught me one thing, it is that I am hard headed. No big surprise there. I tend to think I am able to do things my way, no matter what doctors, family, friends, therapists, or even the Good Lord says. So as I began reflecting on this, I turned, as I often do, to the Catechism of the Catholic Church. Thumbing through the index I found lots of topics such as:

"Man, right to a good reputation;"

and "Man, whole of man willed by God."

But nowhere did I find:

"Man, hard-headedness leading to toddler-like behavior."

I do it myself!
If you read my last post, you know that over the last year, I unconsciously decided I had the strength to take a break from spiritual discovery. I emerged from a rough medical crisis with my faith stronger than ever, and let that momentum carry me for a year. Only the momentum started to fade and I couldn't figure out why. Something was missing. But what? I was feeling better than I had in four years. My kids were healthy. My marriage was wonderful. I was managing my illness with my work and my family life better than I had been in the past. I was going to Mass on the weekend and sometimes during the week. I was saying my daily prayers. And I faced every problem that came my way head-on and with better confidence than I had in my life. I was doing it! I was doing it myself! But there was a void. That didn't make sense.

Wait a minute. I was doing it MYSELF. Uh oh.

Any parent out there can relate. Our children, in their infinite hard-headedness, decide that they can do things for themselves, even against our better judgment. A child's unsteady hand pouring from a milk jug = milk all over the floor. An attempt at dressing oneself = a fashion disaster. A gracious offer of helping fold the laundry = you folding it all over again. The first try on a two wheel bike = scraped knees. But in order to allow our children to learn, we stand by and watch them try, even when we know they will probably fail. They spill the milk and we clean it. They mismatch their clothes and we let them express their independence. They crumple the towels and we secretly fix them as we put them in the closet. They hit the pavement and we wipe the tears and kiss the bo-bos. One day they will learn. (We hope.)

God is the same way. He lets us make our own choices after providing us with the necessary tools for our guidance. If we mess up, He offers us a hand in cleaning it. He gives us guidance on how to make our life "match" again. He helps us straighten the creases. He wipes the tears and kisses the bo-bos. He hopes we learn from our attempted self-sufficiency.

It's not that I wasn't loving God, or praying to God, or talking to God, or living my Catholic Christian values. I simply wasn't living IN God. I wasn't relying fully ON God. HE was the void.

Free Will
"When God, in the beginning, created man, he made him subject to his own free choice...Immense is the wisdom of the Lord; he is mighty in power, and all-seeing. The eyes of God see all he has made; he understands man's every deed." Sir 15:14, 18-19

We all take steps away from our Father, confident in His preparation, sure that we can go it alone. We let go of His hand, and He watches from a distance.

Today, may we all assess where we are in our walk with Christ.  What are you trying to do alone? Make a decision? Handle your anxiety? Embrace the unknown? Or are you just trying to get through day by day without truly relying completely on Him? I think in just the last week I have found myself in all of those places!

So for me, it is time to once again firmly grasp His hand. It sure is nice to take comfort in the fact that no matter what, it is always outstretched, waiting to be taken.

Heavenly Father, like a child, I often let my stubbornness get in the way of true faith. Like a parent, you always forgive me, loving me beyond all my faults. Please continue to tug at my heart, reminding me when I need to reach for you. Give me the humility to admit that I cannot do this alone, and the courage to hold close to you no matter the circumstances. Amen.