Did You Read the Fine Print?

"In sickness and in health..."

Did you read the fine print in that contract? There must have been something else in those marriage vows that said we wouldn't have to deal with this particular clause just yet. After all, the sickness part is supposed to come when you're old and gray and cripple and incontinent. Not when you're young and still brunette and coincidentally limping and, well, incontinent. Too much information? Sorry. But it's the truth.

But those words that we spoke in our wedding vows in 1998 hold more meaning these days than ever before. Who knew Tony and I would experience "in sickness" so soon? That is something I've resented for quite some time now, but thankfully, he hasn't. He has always had the attitude that God gave us this struggle for a reason and, thankfully, God also gave us the people and resources in our lives to be able to deal with such a struggle. Financial security, flexible jobs, good work support, loving and helpful family and friends, excellent health insurance, knowledgeable doctors...we've got all of those. And we have God to thank. But still, I keep praying for health. For healing. It's what I want...and it's what I probably won't get. I keep searching for methods of acceptance and I'm getting there slowly but surely. But if you know me, you know I'm impatient.

So imagine my surprise when I was instructed to meditate upon the following paragraph for an Ignatian Bible Study that I'm part of with a group called Mary's Moms at church:
"...Acting accordingly, for our part, we should not prefer health to sickness, riches to poverty, honor to dishonor, a long life to a short one, and so in all things we should desire and choose only those things which will best help us attain the end for which we are created."

In my journal, I wrote one word...

WHAT???

I was baffled. Dumbfounded. At a loss for words. And I'm rarely at a loss for words. I was downright upset. How is this so? I should NOT prefer health to sickness? So I should want to be sick? That's not right. That can't be right. I've been praying for health. Everyone around me has been praying for me to feel better. I just want my life back! My old life! My old normal! Why shouldn't I? I would be crazy not to prefer health to sickness, my old life to my new one. How can this be?

I was so bent out of shape after reading this I almost had to stop and take a Xanax. But then I thought about my most recent meditation on Mary, which is what I was planning to blog about today, and I realized that she couldn't pop a Xanax every time Jesus stressed her out so I wouldn't either. Meditate, not medicate, I guess. So I took a deep breath.

What are you trying to say, God? I went back in my prayer journal and did some reading. A few pages before I had written something about LISTENING and BEING STILL.

"The Lord himself will fight for you, you have only to keep still." Ex 14:4
"The Lord came and revealed His presence, calling out as before, 'Samuel, Samuel!' Samuel answered, 'Speak, for your servant is listening'." Sam 3:10
"My thoughts are not your thoughts; nor or your ways my ways. As high as the heavens are above the Earth, so high are my ways above your ways and my thoughts above your thoughts." Is 55:8-9

I was doing my usual...over-thinking it. I wasn't listening. I was trying to draw my own conclusions.

When I stopped to LISTEN, here is what I heard. I wrote this in my journal.

No one wants to be sick. We don't want to live in poverty or dishonor. We all want to live long lives with our families. So why should we not prefer health, riches, honor? St. Ignatius is referring partially to our WILL and SURRENDER. We should simply prefer whatever God wills for us because what He wills for us is what will bring us closer to Him. He loves us. He chose us. He made us. He will look with favor upon us. He will have mercy on us. Perhaps this is in the same vein as giving us struggles to bring us closer to Him. Not that we WANT struggles, and not that God WANTS us to experience pain of any kind, but that our acceptance of our struggles are a way of uniting us with Christ's passion on the cross. By seizing this opportunity to bring us closer to God, we are helping to ensure our own salvation. It is a gift. We must pray that we learn to use our sufferings (sickness, poverty, etc) to bring us closer to God, to help us SURRENDER.

Now, to be fair, the paragraph I freaked out over was part of a larger Ignatian Principle and Foundation, and we were instructed to meditate on it both in pieces and in its entirety. Once I did the final meditation on it in its entirety, along with the corresponding scripture verses, it all began to make perfect sense. Here is the entire Ignatian principle as it was presented to us:

"Man is created to praise, reverence, and serve God our Lord, and by this means to save his soul. All other things on the face of the earth are created for man to help him fulfill the end for which he is created. From this it follows that man is to use these things to the extent that they will help him to attain his end. Likewise, he must rid himself of them in so far as they prevent him from attaining it.

Therefore we must make ourselves indifferent to all created things, in so far as it is left to the choice of our free will and is not forbidden. Acting accordingly, for our part, we should not prefer health to sickness, riches to poverty, honor to dishonor, a long life to a short one, and so in all things we should desire and choose only those things which will best help us attain the end for which we are created."

Moving on to Psalm 63 "When I think of you upon my bed, through the night watches I will recall that you indeed are my help, and in the shadow of your wings I shout for joy. My soul clings fast to you; your right hand upholds me!"

And Isaiah 55:1-3
"All you who are thirsty, come to the water!
You who have no money,
come receive grain and eat;
Come, without paying and without cost,
drink wine and milk!
Why spend your money for what is not bread;
your wages for what fails to satisfy?
Heed me, and you shall eat well,
you shall delight in rich fare.
Come to me heedfully,
listen that you may have life.
I will renew with you the everlasting covenant,
the benefits assured to David."

And now Oprah enters the scene because I had an AHA! moment! It all makes sense now!!!
It doesn't matter what we ask for...HE provides what WE need! Why? Because He loves us. He knows us. He wants ONLY what is best for us. Even suffering, illness, poverty, is an act of love, a blessing, because it is an opportunity to bring us closer to Him! It all makes sense. If we suffer a loss....in my case, a loss of health and the life we knew, it is for a reason. Tony and I may not understand it, but one day it will make perfect sense. Our ultimate goal in our earthly life is to get to a heavenly life. So maybe the path we were on was not going to get us there. Maybe this suffering was for a reason. Maybe letting go of our old life was a blessing, a form of surrender. We just have to listen and be willing to do what He asks. Tony has been doing that all along...now I need to.

So what do we do now?  We pray.  How do we pray?

We "Lay 'Em Down." I hope you do too.

(Enjoy this song...one of my favorites. "Lay 'Em Down" by NeedToBreathe)