Dancing With the Devil in the Pale Moonlight

I can hear Jack Nicholson's Joker asking Batman "Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?" And since I can't really answer "yes" to that question exactly, I'm going to suggest a revision...

"Have you ever spent the day with the devil on the couch at home, in your pajamas, with unwashed hair and unbrushed teeth, watching trash TV all day?"

Now that's a question I can answer with a resounding YES. I did that just yesterday.

My date with the devil. 
That's the only way I can describe my sheer desire to waste a complete day of my life. It was storming. No, not outside. Inside. I was in a rainstorm. A downpour. A deluge. This icky weather we have today reached me sometime Sunday afternoon when my body decided to spasm up from head to toe following a day of "Who Dat-ing" (which was well worth it, I might add.) But with those spasms came debilitating pain which caused me to miss Sunday night Mass and all of my renewal and rejuvenation from last week was replaced with clouds and rain. Not the best way to start my week. So Monday came and I decided to throw a pity party and have the devil as my only guest. Only I didn't even know I had invited him. I didn't even know he was here. Sneaky little fellow. In fact, he didn't even make his presence known until this morning, when my Date with the Devil was replaced by Coffee with Christ. Here's how that happened.

I was pouring my first cup of coffee this morning while the kids were getting ready for school and Tony was getting ready for work. As I was stirring the cream into my steaming cup, a thought entered my mind...why didn't I pray yesterday? I was so down. I had admitted that I was in a funk. I had thought about praying, about reading my bible and inspirational readings. I had thought about blogging. But I consciously let the hours tick by because I didn't want to pray. I wanted to be lazy. I wanted to feel sorry for myself. I wanted to be upset, angry, tired, down, sad, defeated, nervous, yada, yada, yada. And I got to thinking... could it be the work of the DEVIL? Could the devil be the one who was pulling so strongly to undo all that Christ had done in my life this last week? So as I was drinking my coffee I asked God to please help me to find the will to do SOMETHING with my day today. Anything. And then I continued with my morning routine with the kids. As soon as they left the house, I looked at the TV and considered watching the Today show just for a little while. But somehow I knew if I sat on that couch, I'd have another one of those nothing days.

I sat down at my table with my second (and then third!) cup of coffee and got to reading. As usual, I started with today's "Magnificat" and it put me exactly where I needed to be. I'm going to quote some of it verbatim and it will be kind of long. So please be patient with this post...I think it's all worth sharing.

St. Catherine of Siena (today's Magnificat meditation)
"I am begging you, since it is so delightful, never let any trouble or temptation the devil might give you make you look back; never let your soul give in to sadness or discouragement, for the devil would like nothing better. He likes to give us lots of annoyances and different sorts of struggles, and suggest false judgments against what we are commanded in obedience. He doesn't do this thinking we will fall at the first stroke, but only to lead us to unreasonable sadness and spiritual discouragement. For once he has brought us to sadness and discouragement we become frustrated with ourselves and abandon our spiritual practices, thinking God must not be pleased or satisfied with what we have been doing, since we are experiencing so much darkness and coldheartedness. We seem to have lost the warmth of charity and so we think it better to let go of these practices than to keep them up. Then the devil is happy, because he sees we are ready to be led into despair -- and this is the one way he can get us..."

Yeah, I think I was supposed to read that today.

So that took me back to reading more on Divine Providence (remember, "Because I Said So"?) Two quotes I've come across:
"While the good, though they may suffer for a time, are comforted by God."
"And suffering He uses as an instrument whereby to train men up as a father traineth up his children."
This is all for a reason. We are supposed to be challenged. It is a spiritual battle that the Father, through the life of the Son and the work of the Holy Spirit, has been training us for. We have what it takes. We just have to use it. But if only it were that easy...being lazy is easier.

Which brings me to the Garden of Gethsemane. The passages in the bible referring to Jesus' Agony in the Garden are some of my favorite. One day I'll write a post just on that. But for today, I just want to share this...

In the Garden, Jesus was human. He was afraid. He did not want to face his fate. But he knew that he had to. Instead of giving into the temptation of complacency, he prayed. He asked for what he wanted, but acknowledged that the Father's will be done. However, he did ask for one other thing...He asked for Peter, James and John to stay awake and pray with him just a few steps away. Did they? NO. In fact, He gave them THREE chances to straighten up and fly right. But they were lazy. They fell asleep. They were watching trash TV with the devil in their pajamas and their hair was greasy.

"The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." Matt. 36:41

 When I cross referenced the above passage, I came across a word I never read before: Acedia -- "a state of restlessness and inability either to work or to pray." It is compared to depression and is seen by some as being the precursor to sloth, which is one of the seven deadly sins. (Yikes!) And that's where I was yesterday.

The more I read, the more I realized that the tendency to lean towards acedia is the difference between God and man. In the Garden, Jesus was able to move past the temptation to seek pity and was able to pray. The apostles, however, were not. They succumbed to fatigue, depression, sadness. Their vigilance decreased. They were careless. Their flesh was weak. They were discouraged. They failed. They gave in to the temptation. They were watching Toddlers and Tiaras and eating Wendy's.
 Even though they KNEW they shouldn't.


Why is prayer so hard when it is what we need most? That's what confuses me. It seems to me that if prayer is what we KNOW will help us, then it should be easy. A no-brainer. But then again, we know Rob's Donuts aren't good for us, but we eat them anyway. Go figure. But I digress.

Like any diet, prayer takes vigilance. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. So this week I am going to work on making my flesh as strong as my spirit. While it's still raining, I will focus on praying THROUGH the rain. I will pray DESPITE the storm. And I'll leave you with a little Casting Crowns...
Praise You In This Storm--Casting Crowns

Because I SAID SO!!!

So, let's face it. If you are a parent, you know what I'm talking about. How many times have you said those words to your kids as an answer to their question "WHY?" I know I say it occasionally. Well, I guess I should be honest. I say it daily. I say it MULTIPLE times daily. And the response I get from my kids is usually one of the following:
1. Turning on their heels and storming off in the other direction.
2. Whining "but moooommmmmm! Please!"
3. A retort of "who made you boss?" or "I'm going ask daddy. Hmph."
4. Tears and "you never give me what I want!!!!!"
And of course, I remind myself that I said "No" and used "Because I said so" as my justification because I can. I am the parent. I know what's best for my children. I expect them to trust my judgment. Let my will be done. As far as parenting goes anyway....

But what about when the shoe is on the other foot? When I was diagnosed with MS, it messed up my plans. If you know me, you know I am a planner to a fault. I was at my prime. Volunteering umpteen hours a week at school. Going places with friends. Having fun on the weekends. Traveling. Buying whatever we wanted whenever we wanted to. Working full time. Contemplating a PhD. Life was good. And I was busy. Never ever stopped. And then it happened...on my way to Mass, of all places. I fell. My leg gave out, just like that. No big deal, right? Little did I know, it was God's way to stop me in my tracks.

As time went on, the stress of being "sick" took its toll. Doctor to doctor, with no diagnosis, and I just thought my worst fear was coming true...I was losing control and losing my mind at the same time. I thought I had just plum gone nuts. So I prayed and prayed for a diagnosis. Then I got one. Then I asked God to take it back. I didn't like it. Yeah, that didn't quite work out. So I watched my "Life Plan" go out the window. I was forced to scale back, to slow down.

WHY? WHY GOD? WHY ME?

And the answer was very simple...

BECAUSE I SAID SO.

I started today reading about something called "divine providence". According to the Catechism of the Catholic Faith, divine providence is "the disposition by which God guides us, his creatures, with wisdom and love to His ultimate end: our perfection. Basically, it refers to God's will. Divine providence is meant to bring us happiness -- eventually. But there is only one way to reach the happiness after the trial--SURRENDER!


In this month's issue of Magnificat, it is written ""at every moment God produces what is needed for the task at hand, and the simple soul, instructed by faith, finds everything as it should be and wants neither more nor less than what it has." This is fortified by what we read in the Catechism "...all are open and laid bare to his eyes, even those things which are yet to come into existence through the free action of the creatures."

So here is what I've learned today. If we look at God as our Father, and we place ourselves in the position of the child, we need to accept "Because I said so" as an acceptable answer to the question "WHY?" We all have our "Why Me?" moments. And it's OK to question those. And we can respond much like our children do. We can...
1. Turn on our heels and storm off to our rooms. But what good will that do? He can still see us.
2. Whine "but come on God! Pllllleeeeeaaaasssseeee!!!!!" But it won't change anything.
3. Retort and say "who made you boss?" But I'm pretty sure that won't get you anywhere.
4. Tears and say "this is not what I want!!!" This would be acceptable. Even Jesus cried in the Garden of Gethsemane. (More on this to come later this week)

But after we are done pouting and stomping our feet and whining about it, we should try to remember that no matter how much we fight his will, the end result will be the same. And the decisions He has made are always for our greater good. Just look at Mary. I'm pretty sure she thought about telling him NO...and what would have happened to us if she had?

So we have to just try to SURRENDER. Because "what if the trials of this life are his mercies in disguise." --Blessings by Laura Story
 
Now it's almost homework time in our house....I feel some "Because I said so's" coming!

Sometimes Blessings Come Through Raindrops

"What if your blessings come through raindrops? What if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near? What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?" -- lyrics from "Blessings" by Laura Story (based on 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

After being sick for almost 3 years and trying to redefine my life, I lost myself. This year, I am on a mission to find myself again and rediscover God's purpose for my life. As a trained journalist and educator, I have always used writing as my preferred method of self-expression. This blog will be a chronicle of my journey through self-discovery. I am not sure what form it will take. But I do know that it will focus on three things:
1. Renewal of Spirit
2. Renewal of Body
3. Renewal of Mind

It will all be within a biblical and Christian context, with Renewal of Spirit coming first. I am a firm believer that once the spirit is renewed, everything else will fall into place.

I choose to believe that God sends us all raindrops -- and sometimes rainstorms -- in our lives in order to help us go through this process of renewal. If that's the case, I am using this 3-year downpour I've been experiencing to bring about new growth. It is in this way that I am taking my Raindrops to Renewal.